Close the door, send the kids out of the room, and make sure your boss isn’t looking because today…we’re talking dirty.
Snide remarks, insulting comments, passive aggressive tweets…down n’ dirty gossip talk happens all over this blogosphere. (You didn’t think I meant sexy talk did you? Tsk. Tsk.)
“Sports Illustrated” writer Jeff Pearlman recently wrote an interesting op-ed piece discussing his growing problem of receiving hate-filled messages from readers via Twitter, blog comments, and e-mail. After receiving a particularly nasty tweet message from a “fan,” he sought to figure out why this phenomenon seems to be happening more frequently. As he puts it:
Now, with most online publications allowing readers to comment beneath stories, and with Twitter boasting an estimated 175 million users, and with a phony e-mail address a mere click away, readers can easily lash out. The filter that was a pen and paper has vanished, replaced by the immediate gratification of negativity. The concern for a writer’s feelings? Ha. What feelings?
We’ve all witnessed it, perhaps even taken part in it: from the safety and comfort of our couches and computer chairs, we type or tweet things we’d probably never say in “real” life.
With a Twitter feed that updates instantly and anonymous comments just a keystroke away, it becomes too easy for us to satisfy our urges for instant gratification and annoyance at something we’ve seen or read without giving thought to the person on the other end.
At a young age, my mother taught me the Golden Rule: Treat others the way you want to be treated. I love that many blogs are a forum for debate and offer an opportunity for discussion. I try to stimulate conversation in my own entries as often as possible. So the next time you come across a blog you disagree with and those fingers start flying across the keyboard, remember:
- Take a minute to “step away” from it. The beauty of the internet is that you don’t have to respond to something right away. Allow yourself to fully digest the information and decide if it’s really worth commenting on.
- Imagine that you’re talking to the writer face-to-face. Would you interrupt a stranger’s conversation to tell them “You’re stupid”? If the answer is no (and we hope it is!), don’t do it on her blog either. At that point, you aren’t being constructive or adding to the dialogue, you’re just leaving comments like a mean girl.
- Give some thought to the motivation for your message. What is your goal? Are you trying to engage in a civilized debate on the blogger’s hot topic or are you simply looking to sling a few insults? If it’s the latter, pull out your Burn Book a la Regina George, write down your nasty thoughts, and move on with your day.
- Please, for the love of all things blog, if you’re willing to state your feelings so boldly then have the courage and courtesy to give your name as well. Do not leave comments as anonymous. It’s the real world equivalent of walking up to someone at Starbucks, punching them in the face, and then running away. (If that’s what our worlds come to, I need to start making my coffee at home!)
Ultimately, the blogs you choose to follow are a personal decision. And unless you have the most amazing job ever, reading blogs is not a mandatory part of your day. It should be an enjoyable experience. There are big differences between disagreeing with a particular post, engaging in conversational debate, and straight up hate-following. If you come across a blog that you repeatedly find offensive or annoying, the best solution would be to just stop reading it. (Haterade is full of empty calories anyway).
What do you think? Has our dirty talk crossed the line?
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{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
Great post! I think all of your rules and tips are spot on. I never really considered the idea that the internet allows us to type comments that we would never say aloud (although I do realize I’m more open in my own blogging than I am in person). I think your idea of taking a step away (because you CAN) before commenting is a great one!
Clare @ Fitting It All In´s last post ..Monday Man-Day- The Art of the Male Text
Thanks Clare! I think stepping away for a minute is something we should do on the internet AND in real life sometimes!
Dead on. I’ve had days where I’ve read more blogs that I hate than blogs that I like; I guess for the same reason I watch Jersey Shore and Intervention. I just…can’t look away.
marie´s last post ..Um
Though I’ve never been punched in the face at Starbucks, my coworker did have a girl come up, molest his shoulder, slip him her number and run away.
It’s absolutely true that we as a society have become more brazen (See: above), but we manage to choke ourselves on that longer leash that the internet gives us. “Oh, I can verbally whip someone without any chance of them knowing it was me? Tee hee! Game on!” I’ve read the comments on my hometown newspaper’s blog, and it literally makes me EMBARRASSED to be from NH. It’s like some people took every stereotype they could think of and smushed it into a comment box. And, of course, it’s all done anonymously. Seriously, people, if you’re going to hate, at least sack up and own it.
Interesting post! I agree with your points, but one thing I found surprising is that you directed this at people in terms of them being blog *readers*…what about the bloggers themselves? Is it not a sign of a being a hater when a blogger complains about her followers on twitter? When they write rude responses in the comments? I have actually been way more shocked by what I’ve seen prominent bloggers tweet about (in regards to complaining about their commenters/readers) than what I’ve seen other commenters write.
Also, your point about being ‘anonymous’ is an interesting one. I understand your point, definitely, but let’s be honest…you can type in any name you want. My name does in fact start with a ‘D’ and so that’s what I write, but sometimes I write my full name. Honestly…it depends on how lazy I’m feeling. And since people in my real life call me “D” then that seems fine to me. But I could just as easily write “Mary” or “Sarah” or anything I wanted. The thing that drives me INSANE is that people say things like “well gosh, don’t hide behind a comment…tell us your URL so we can see what YOU are all about!!!!!” Um…I get that this is the technology age, but not everyone has a blog. Do bloggers honestly not realise this? I don’t mean that in a patronizing way – but it really does seem like people don’t ‘get’ that. Like, if you don’t have a blog then you’re some weirdo girl who sits at her computer, twiddling her thumbs and prowling the internet for poor Healthy Living Bloggers to torment. No…I just don’t have a blog. So anyone without a blog is technically ‘anonymous’, and I’d bet money that plenty of bloggers have written less than flattering comments under ‘anonymous’ names.
Thanks for the comment D! It’s an interesting point about blog readers vs bloggers themselves. I guess in my mind, when I think about the reader I am also considering them a blogger as well…but you are completely right, the fault lies within both camps.
In terms of the anonymous stuff, I was more referring to people who leave anonymous comments with fake emails or write something particularly nasty under an anonymous name for the sole reason of not being traced back. It is one thing to be considered “anonymous” because you don’t have a blog or your name can be construed as vague, but I was more examining it from the viewpoint of the responder who goes “anonymous” in a purposeful manner just to be cruel without any consequences. Does that make sense? I certainly didn’t mean to offend readers/commenters without blogs. Some of my biggest supporters and favorite fans of my personal blog don’t have ones themselves!
I agree with everything D says here. I’ve seen bloggers Tweet some really bad things about their readers and deleted them from my reader and stopped following on Twitter immediately.
I also think there are more people who don’t comment than do. I try to keep those people in mind when I write my posts. I read blogs for a long time before I started my own so I know that there are people out there that just enjoy reading. Not everyone is an attention whore like me.
MelissaNibbles´s last post ..Nibble DVD Review- Jillian Michaels 6 Week 6 Pack
I personally get really frustrated with the “Anons” or people who just leave a name without an email. There are plenty of readers who don’t have blogs, but we all have an email address. If you want to disagree (whether it be respectful or hateful), do so, but at least leave a way to be contacted by the blogger personally…not doing so is cowardice.
I totally get your point – that rude comments behind a computer screen are cowardly in general. BUT, I was trying to say that it’s not about being “anon” or not that is the issue. And I’ve never heard a blogger say, “how dare you write a nice comment, anonymous! please tell me your URL and private e-mail!!”, it’s only for the negatives! I am no different than “Anon” because I type my name, or the first letter of my name, or whatever.
I also disagree with saying that all readers should private a real e-mail address. I do so in order to get notifications on follow-up comments (if I’m particularly interested in the post, or asked the blogger a question) but I’m not sure what purpose it *really* serves (unless it’s for a contest or something).
I once disagreed with a post on a blog and the blogger didn’t respond in the comments – she privately e-mailed me, and I had a MAJOR issue with that. First of all, other commenters may have been thinking the same thing, but no one wants to say be the first one and be attacked. So by deleting my comment and responding to me privately (and it was not even CLOSE to a hateful comment), she is giving the false impression to other readers that everyone agrees with her and there’s no negatively. Secondly, I provide my e-mail address in order to receive AUTOMATIC follow-up notifications. That is not an invitation for a blogger to use my e-mail address to get in touch with me. I am not a blogger and I do not choose to broadcast my life or contact details, and at no point did I tell that blogger it was okay to use my information. Bloggers choose to put their e-mail addresses and information out there and encourage people to contact them. I do not. I enjoy reading blogs, commenting, and being involved in discussions, but that doesn’t mean that I need to start some private e-mail conversation with a blogger. If I commented on a CNN story, I don’t expect Anderson to e-mail me in private to discuss his hurt feelings. Bloggers should accept that comments are part of the territory, and while it’s AWESOME when bloggers respond to the comments, in the comments section, I find it sort of weird when they go out of their way to contact a reader who did not invite that correspondence. I didn’t ask a question or seek advice – I expressed my opinion on something that a blogger wrote in public and I don’t want to be contacted by her!
all readers should PROVIDE, not private!
D, you make a good point about bloggers deleting comments that offer a different point of view and then responding (defensively, it sounds like) in an email. I do think that is equally cowardly. Those of us with blogs open ourselves up to disagreement. Some of the best posts are those in which there is lively discussion from many points of view. There have been some great posts on HBH about not deleting dissenting comments.
However, I have been contacted by email by bloggers to answer a question or to follow up with something I said probably because it seemed extraneous to the comments section. Such as on a post about good running music, I might share a song I like to run to and a blogger might respond to me directly by email to ask the name of the album it’s on. I wouldn’t expect Anderson Cooper to respond to a comment I made on CNN.com but I think bloggers, especially Health Bloggers, think of themselves and their readers (with blogs or not) as a community. Emailing with someone is one way of creating a relationship within an online community.
Aj´s last post ..Vegan by Number
I think that, in that case, it’s a great use of the tools in the community, and I think that’s fine! I still *personally* feel weirded out knowing that a blogger has decided to contact me privately, but if it were something like that then I definitely would not be as bothered as I have been in the past.
I have been contacted privately by two bloggers; one that I referenced in the post, and another blogger, one of the most ‘famous’ out there. I was reading her Twitter (as she actively encourages!) and she mentioned something about her food intake that I found surprising and concerning. I commented on her latest post to ask about it. I didn’t say anything other than “Hey I was reading your latest tweet and I was wondering if you were planning on following up on this on your blog, or discussing what’s going on?”, and she deleted the comment and contacted me via her PERSONAL e-mail, not her blog, and wrote me a rude, one-line response. I found that to be a violation of the trust I give each blogger when I fill in my e-mail address. Does that make sense?!
@D — Wow…that is really annoying what happened to you on Twitter with the e-mail thing/I’d be pissed too! The only time I e-mail readers privately after a negative comment is to just cut and paste the response I wrote on my blog (and only if it was a comment in which I was trying to continue discussion) and say, “Hey, I responded on my blog but I wanted to make sure you saw it…” (I didn’t used to have the box you could check.) It was just a way for me to make sure that they didn’t think I just ignored their negative comment. But deleting it and then responding via e-mail sucks for sure.
Rachel Wilkerson´s last post ..Snowballin’ Outta Control
@D — I think we’ve covered how we feel about bloggers who act like assholes in their comments or on Twitter pretty regularly here; we’re definitely against that!
In terms of commenting anonymously, you’re right — “D” doesn’t tell me who you actually are. But it does let me know who you are each time you comment. I can read a comment and know, “Oh, yes, she was the one who left a comment on another post I wrote.” Bloggers really do get to know their readers in a sense, even if we only know you by a first name or initial. So if someone who commented all the time suddenly started leaving nasty comments as “anon,” I’d call that bullshit. If, like you said, “plenty of bloggers have written less than flattering comments under ‘anonymous’ names,” then again…that’s bullshit. That’s what we’re saying. We’re just urging people, whether they are a first time reader or someone who has been reading for a long time, to just use the name they always use to comment. Not doing that implies that the comment is something she doesn’t want associated with her day-to-day persona…which is, again, bullshit.
Also, I don’t think anyone here assumes that if you don’t leave a URL, you’re hiding it! I know I personally have a lot of readers who don’t have blogs and I don’t really think twice about it.
Rachel Wilkerson´s last post ..Snowballin’ Outta Control
One of the best post titles I’ve EVER seen. Thats all
Ok…and great post. If something agitates me, I always step away for at least 10 minutes and once I give it that, 99% of the time whatever the thing was, doesn’t bother me as much. Love your point on posting as anonymous as well. If someone punches me in the face at Starbucks, they better give me a scone for free!
Tiffany @ Simply Shaka´s last post ..Just call me Snots
Personally, I agree on the anonymous commenting point. If you really take fault with something then find an intelligent way to communicate your point and sign your name. There’s no point in acting like a child and having the “I didn’t say it…” mentality.
maria @ Chasing the Now´s last post ..Mind Massage
I honestly have mixed feelings about this post. I think most of the blogs are anonymous. For example, a clothing blog I read, the author has a fake tag and does not provide her name, so she is anonymous, IMHO.
She also happens to wear her clothes too tight. I tried to point this out, in an non-mean manner (honestly), and was shot down by her and her rabid minion followers. Some tried to agree with me, and she deleted their posts and then wrote a post about negative comments, all because I wrote a post about the top ill-fitting her bustline, when really I could have said “its way too tight and I can see your belly fat and love handles”
I also find some bloggers so narcissitic… I consider myself a nice friendly person, but I have to admit, some of these blogs drive. me. nuts. I guess this is my issue, I shouldn’t read them, but honestly, I think these people need more of a check sometimes. Its like they need 50+ comments telling them how much they looooovvvveeee their blog, and their cat. Too much.
I am not saying its OK to leave negative comments, but sometimes the blogger can be as much to blame as the commenter. I also think anything contrary to the bloggers opinion should not be considered “negative” or incise a war on the commenter that has an alternate opinion.
such great thoughts here and totally something that needs to be outlined for people!
this is a great post and has some interesting comments. i agree with what you are saying and as a blog reader (not blogger) i rarely read comments nowadays due to the negativity that can happen. but negativity in the healthy blogging sphere to me often seems to be around people who point out something similar to what anon said above. i don’t mean criticism, i mean pointing out, like D also appears to have done, if something is ‘off their message’ – why is not okay to ask the blogger about it?
blogs i’ve come to realise are really not the open forum of discussion or viewpoints that they often proclaim to be (and i think pretty much all of them say at some point “i do x, but i respect that you do y” – no they don’t). they’re really just another high school clique in some ways.
Hi, thanks for this post.
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I’m fairly new to blogging (started in May 2011) and a few of my posts seem to give rise to some negative feelings towards me. I’m an expat living in Brazil and I usually write about my trips, nice places and experiences, but every sane person knows that there’s a flipside to everything, and I also wrote about an experience I had with a corrupt cop that I had to pay to not confiscate my motorcycle (I had the wrong document with me…), and about my experiences in Brazilian public hospitals. On three occasions someone reacted to one of these posts, calling me corrupt, stupid arrogant gringo, or stupid “Belgium”, and “do you pay taxes in Brazil?”, stuff like that. These people used a fake name and email address, so I have no chance to react to these insults/ accusations… I’m sure that bloggers all over the world have to deal with this kind of BS on a daily basis, but it never happened to me before, and it amazes me how it can have such a big impact on how I feel. (angry and frustrated
I guess my point is that I agree with you when you say that you should think twice before starting to call someone “stupid” in a blog comment, even if you don’t agree with this person. There are civilized ways to leave a negative comment on a blog, and in the end, what you say in public says a lot about yourself too, no?
Raf
Raf Kiss´s last post ..Brazilian Mud…